i haven’t written a blog post for a while now, which probably gives the impression that there’s not much going on at the moment. The opposite is the case. Due to the short-time work in my main job, i started an additional job in a warehouse to get financial security in the current uncertain time. i find the change of scenery within a week very exhausting and definitely enjoy both jobs, but the impressions are many and the business and colleagues are very different. i’ve my family, the renovation of the studio and my art. That’s only a small justification for the little maintenance of my blog 🙂

I’m currently drawing my yemeni girl (120th girl). This takes a lot of my time. The patterns are very complex and delicate. i’v learned much about Yemen via the internet, studied traditional Yemeni clothing and also listened to Yemeni music. i won’t try to imagine how the people there must have been suffering for years and i’ve the greatest respect for drawing this girl. i also realise that the girl won’t change anything of the situation there. But i’ve also realised that the girl can be a personal form of sympathy and my contribution to what i can give to Waleed from Yemen. He asked me in 2018 if i could draw a Yemeni girl to spread attention to that fckn situation there. 

i would like to compose a song or beat for every girl i draw that interprets the girl musically. finally i can make music again since i’ve finished setting up my digital room in my studio and have finally bought a music software.

But now, let’s talk about the topic. My songs are mostly in a minor key and like to sound sombre. i feel so incredibly comfortable and secure in the minor key. i can feel the minor much more intensely than the major and it touches me magically and deep. i don’t only feel this way in music. i love cloudy weather. When there’s fog over fields in the morning and visibility is limited. 
i’ve the impression that the majority of people don’t feel this way.

Where does that come from? i’ve often thought about it and think it’s about space limitation. i used to think too much about everything when i was young. i was always thought that i would get scared of something i didn’t know about yet. i was afraid of thinking about life and its time limits. Sure that’s normal and part of the development of a growing human. i was afraid of looking at the starry sky because i had the feeling that i couldn’t see the end. So it had or has something to do with fear and insecurity. Why is my mind so preoccupied with fears? At some point i also found an explanation for this that somehow made sense to me. 

After my eldest brother, my parents had another child, Marius. Marius had trisomy 18 and was supposed to be viable for a maximum of 3 years, according to the doctors. Doctors strongly advised my parents not to have any more children and my mother became pregnant after all. She once told me that when i was born the room was full of experts, professors and midwives because they were expecting the worst. My mother was exposed to unbelievable fear with me in her belly throughout the entire pregnancy. It hurts me to think about what she must have gone through during that time. Maybe these feelings and fears got embedded in me.  By the way, like my parents and my siblings, i’m a fundamentally positive and life-loving person. i’m far from getting depressed and have never had such negativ thoughts. 

Near every sence begins with “I”… the first post about myself. 

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